


hands down, i'm too proud for love

by PrimroseReality



Category: Booksmart (2019)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-02
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2020-04-06 14:35:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19064635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrimroseReality/pseuds/PrimroseReality
Summary: Amy still isn’t sure why she’s here. The last night before winter break in Tanner of all people’s backyard with frolicking teenagers a buzz of activity around her. And she thought they might notice her, that she would be a spectacle as soon as she walked in, teacher's pet Amy at a party, but really all she’s gotten is a few head nods, pounds, even a good to see you. She still can't really believe that Ryan invited her, the Ryan stopped her in the hallway or did Amy sort of just run into her, either way, Ryan told her she should come and Tanner nodded before kicking a ball through her legs. So she’s here.or... what if amy and hope got together a little bit earlier?





	1. Chapter 1

Amy still isn’t sure why she’s here. The last night before winter break in Tanner of all people’s backyard with frolicking teenagers a buzz of activity around her. And she thought they might notice her, that she would be a spectacle as soon as she walked in, teacher's pet Amy at a party, but really all she’s gotten is a few head nods, pounds, even a good to see you. She still can't really believe that Ryan invited her, the Ryan stopped her in the hallway or did Amy sort of just run into her, either way, Ryan told her she should come and Tanner nodded before kicking a ball through her legs. So she’s here.

Molly doesn’t know. She already left for her grandparents’ house for Hanukkah and it didn’t seem worth it to just hear Molly tell her not to go, that something would happen if Amy left the house without Molly that would be catastrophic. Molly still doesn’t know that Amy applied to the gap year program in Botswana either. Secrets are new for them and if Amy is being honest there’s something sort of thrilling about it, having something that's just her own.

She walks slowly through the house, watching people she sees every day, but, if she’s honest, barely knows. Then she’s there right in front of her, Ryan with her goofy smile. “You’re here!” Ryan says before offering Amy a high five. “That’s dope.”

“The dopiest! Dopest?”

Ryan just laughs at her, “Tanner said you’d never come to a party so thanks for the ten bucks.”

“You… you bet?”

“Yeah, stupid shit but it’ll get me some Cheetos. You want a drink?”

Amy had made some guidelines when deciding to come tonight. No substances was a top one, but here was Ryan offering and Ryan wouldn’t roofie her and she would watch her make the drink right in front of her and she didn’t have to drink the whole thing so yes, “Definitely, was actually looking for the alcoholic beverages before I saw you.”

Ryan leads her toward the kitchen by grabbing her hand and Amy just about dies, at least she can tell her face is forty different shades of red. Of course, that’s when she makes eye contact with Hope who sneers at the two of them before returning to whatever pointless conversation she’s having with her beautiful friends. She doesn’t know why Hope is that way to her, and she notices it’s specifically her, even when Molly is right there beside her, like there's something Amy has personally done to offend her on the deepest of levels.

She shakes it off though as Ryan releases her hand and begins pouring what seems to be Tanner’s parent's entire liquor cabinet into a cup. It’s not like she hasn’t had alcohol before. She and Molly experimented last summer, but when Molly got too tipsy they stopped and then there was the Passover wine at Molly’s Seders and a little rum and eggnog with her parents last year. Still, she has to admit to herself that none of those had this acrid nail polish taste to it that gives her what she knows is an involuntary grimace as she takes a sip then offers a thumbs up. Ryan laughs at her again, “Don’t worry you’ll get used to it.”

It seems like all the heads turn in the room except her own toward something on the other side. Amy quickly stops staring at Ryan to follow them and there’s Nick, his shirt already completely unbuttoned and drinks in either of his hands. Even though she's completely gay, she still knows he’s objectively attractive with the eyes and the muscles and the smile. What surprises her then is that he makes a beeline to the two of them in the kitchen. Probably for the alcohol in Ryan’s hand she thinks to herself. “Amy? Molly’s Amy? Where is she? She hiding so she can come out and surprise me?”

“No no she’s at Hanukkah.”

“Ah the Festival of Lights!” He says with a spin before pulling Ryan into a huge hug. “How’s my girl?” He asks more quietly than his spin so Amy can just make out the words he's speaking into Ryan's hair. And Amy made Ryan laugh earlier but the giggle that Nick pulls out of her is completely different, the way her eyes move up his torso to his face, Amy knows what that means because it’s how she looks at Ryan. “Mind if I steal her for a little while?” It takes a second for Amy to realize he’s talking to her before she meekly nods and takes a sip of her drink.

She knows she’s not drunk yet but suddenly she feels so incredibly hot and feels the tears at the corner of her eyes that it’s all in her power to keep herself from sprinting out the door to the garage, settling for a carefully set power walk.

As soon as she slams the door closed she’s suddenly falling onto the concrete in front of her, having tripped over something she didn’t see in her haste to get out of that room. “What the fuck?” She heats as she examines her bleeding knee. She knows that voice all too well that she doesn’t even need to look up, but she does anyway to see the marble crafted face of Hope with a joint dangling from her lips. “Watch where you’re going much?”

She really wishes it doesn’t happen but at that she bursts into tears, unable to stop her ragged breathing. Hope watches her for a few moments, seemingly shocked into inaction before scrambling forward with a slight eye roll, as if to say of course Amy is freaking out at her first party, grabbing Amy’s hands. “Hey, hey, breath, look at me follow my breathing.” And she does, matches her breathing to Hope’s. It takes a few moments but she’s able to slowly calm down, releasing Hope to wipe her eyes. She might be wrong, probably unable to see cause of the crying but it seems like Hope reddens, like she looks embarrassed. “You good?”

“Did you know?”

“Did I know? I can’t read your mind and have no fucking clue what you’re talking about?”

“Ryan… and Nick.”

“That they’re fucking?” Amy nods with a dramatic sniffle. This time Hope doesn’t try to hide her eye roll. “Yes, Amy, everyone knows that.”

“I didn’t.”

“Yeah well, you’re not everyone. Maybe if you had some balls and actually told Ryan two years ago that you wanted to jump her bones she wouldn’t be like every other girl at this godforsaken school and be dick hungry for Nick.”

“I’m not.”

“That’s good since you’re a lesbian.”

“Why are you so mean to me?” Amy stands up so her hand is in Hope’s face and with Hope sitting on the stairs they’re as close to eye level as they’re ever going to get. Amy likes being above her, likes the feeling of Hope looking up at her. “All I ever am is nice to you.”

“All you ever are is nice to everyone! Even your bitch wife.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You let Molly go around thinking she’s better than everyone else while you walk around holding up her coat tails letting her determine your personality. I just don't like meek people.”

“Well you’re mean and it makes you ugly even though you're super pretty.” With that Amy turns on her heels. Then something stops her and she flips back around, bringing her power walk back to take Hope’s face in her hands and kiss her. Maybe she is a little drunk.

When Amy ends the kiss she keeps her eyes closed for a second before opening them to see Hope smiling at her in what almost seems bashful.

“Well, well, well nerd, guess I was wrong about you.” And then the craziest thing happens, Hope pulls Amy back to her, Hope’s hands finding their way just under the base of Amy’s shirt to graze the skin at the base of their back. Amy shudders involuntarily because she’s never been touched like this by anyone. It’s gentle yet firm as Hope’s tongue asks for permission into her mouth. She thought reading lesbian novels were something well this is a whole different ballgame as she can actually feel Hope smile into the kiss. Hope! Smiling! Kissing! It’s truly the greatest feeling in the world. Better than all the 5s on her APs, or voting in her first election, even if it was local and there were no women running, there’s literally nothing she can compare it to, especially as Hope starts trailing kisses up her cheek to lightly nip at her ear before pulling away. “Is this ok?” Seriously, Hope is asking her if it’s ok. She does realize that this is weird, Hope hates her and just called her meek and her best friend a bitch and she should say it’s not ok, that kissing doesn’t mean she forgives her, but then she thinks maybe that’s exactly what kissing means.

“Yeah, yeah, is it ok for you?”

For the third time, that night Hope rolls her eyes again. “Yes, Amy, thank you for asking, it is a ok for me.” Then the door slams open and Amy can still feel Hope’s lips and hands on her even as she pulls away to hear someone scream something at them about some sort of fight going on inside before disappearing again. Hope shrugs at her before wiping her hands on her jeans and relighting her blunt. “Want some?”

“No, no, I don’t, I don’t do drugs.”

Hope laughs at this like it’s one of the funnier things she’s heard in her young life. “Of course. Well if you ever want to try some, give me a call.” Hope gets up and moves to walk back into the party.

“I don’t have your number,” Amy says it likes it’s all one word and Hope laughs again, turning around to face her, her palm outstretched. Amy looks at it, “What?”

“Your phone, nerd, how you going to get my number without your phone?”

“Oh yeah, of course, duh.” Amy pulls her phone out of her back pocket, ignoring the seven texts from Molly to let Hope type her number in.

“I’ll see you later nerd.” And that’s it, no thanks for the make out, or let’s go get pizza, Hope is just gone into the throng of teeming teenagers.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She watches Amy that whole first week, watches Amy avoid her. If she’s being honest it really only makes her want to kiss her more. She hates it a little bit, the feeling of wanting someone, maybe even more so that it’s Amy and Amy seems to have no pull to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was originally going to just have this as a one-shot, but I imagine like everyone I have a little more time than usual right now, so thought I'd make this a multi-chapter. Hope everyone is doing well during this strange time!

So it’s not like she ever expected Amy to kiss her. Thought about it, wondered what it would feel like, sure, but she was rational and Amy didn’t look at her the way she looked at Ryan. Which, if Hope knew was her own fault, knew she didn’t even give Amy the opportunity to look at her like that with quick barbs and easy insults.

People assume she’s unattainable because of the way she looks. It’s better to be honest about it. People used to say she looked like a giraffe and teased her mercilessly and then there came the first day of school where being objectively attractive didn’t produce teasing, it produced whispers behind hands and open jeers from pubescent boys. She’s used to eyes following her now, doesn’t make her redden, mostly it makes her mad because there’s all these assumptions people make about her before she even says anything. Sometimes she thinks it’s easier that way, no one knowing enough, no one knowing anything important.

And then Amy kisses her and she wants Amy to know things, wants Amy to want to ask her questions, wants to lay in bed with Amy and kiss her eyelids and wrists and lips. But Amy doesn’t text her after that night. Hope doesn’t even see her again until the first day back after winter break and Amy’s clearly trying not to make eye contact with her, a red spreading to the tips of her ears.

She watches Amy that whole first week, watches Amy avoid her. If she’s being honest it really only makes her want to kiss her more. She hates it a little bit, the feeling of wanting someone, maybe even more so that it’s Amy and Amy seems to have no pull to her.

It’s not until Thursday that she sees Amy Mollyless by her locker, pulling books out of her bag and replacing them with more. So she walks up to her, leans against the closed lockers behind Amy’s open door. Like out of some movie Amy jumps at Hope’s presence when she shuts the locker door. Then there’s the redness again, starting at the tip of her nose.

“Oh, hi, Hope, did you have a good break?”

“Fine, and you.”

“You know, busy, college applications, holidays.”

“Did you by chance forget how to use a cell phone in those days?”

“Forget? No, I just, I don’t know, I’m sorry, I just thought you didn’t really, wouldn’t actually want me…”

The sentence trails off like that’s not how Amy wanted to end it, but it ends. “I want you to text me.”

“Ok.”

“Ok.”

She walks away, knowing she has a smug grin on her face, but unable to stop it.

Amy texts her a few hours later.

_Hi Hope. It’s Amy._

_hi amy_

_Are you doing well?_

_fantastic. you?_

_Great, thanks for asking!_

_truly the pleasure is mine._

_Well thanks. I appreciate it._

_amy…_

_Yes?_

_do you want to make out again?_

_The rapid back and forth pauses and those three dots bob again and again on her screen._

_Do you want to?_

_i wouldn’t ask if i didn’t_

_Sure, when were you thinking?_

_what about tomorrow afternoon after school? my house?_

_Yes, I think I can make that work. I have to drive Molly home and then I could come over_

Hope texts her address and gets a thumbs up in return.

She can tell Amy can barely make eye contact with her the next day. She likes that. Like that Amy reddens more now than before under her gaze, likes that she knows what Amy’s lips feel like on her own.

And then Amy is there at her front door and she’s pulling it open and leading her to her room. She has two hours before anyone’s home and she knows better than to waste them.

Hope sits down on her bed while Amy looks around, runs her fingers against things, pauses at photographs on Hope’s wall. With anyone else Hope would stop them, grab their hand, lead them to her bed, keep them from these parts of Hope that are clearly on display, but with Amy she makes herself pause and just watch her. “You like books,” Amy says to the haphazard pile next to her bed. Hope isn’t sure if it’s a question or a musing.

“We’re in AP Lit together.”

“Not everyone in AP Lit seems to like books,” Amy says in a tone that sounds like it’s correcting Hope, like Hope has missed some big part of their classroom experience. Hope doesn’t mind, Amy’s right, and she likes that Amy’s willing to say it outloud.

“Ok, yeah, I like books.”

“I didn’t know.”

“Why would you?”

Hope’s not too sure where this line of questioning is going or if there’s something Amy is suggesting that she can’t reach, can’t decipher the look on Amy’s face. “I didn’t know you’d kiss me back either, that you’d want to kiss me. Were you drunk?”

Hope shrugs, “A little.”

“Are you drunk now?”

“Do you think I have to be drunk to want to kiss you?” It’s Amy’s turn to shrug, which is accompanied by a deep blush on her neck and face, Hope wants to follow the blush with her tongue. And she’s hooked up with people before, mostly boys, two one off girls, but she’s never really had this feeling in the pit of her stomach, an amalgamation of nerves and want. Now she chooses to reach out, to pull Amy next to her on the bed. “Amy,” and Amy looks anywhere but at her. “Look at me,” and Amy does, “I’m not drunk now, ok?”

“Ok.”

So Hope kisses her, her hands tracing up to rest on either side of her face. They kiss this way for longer than Hope can tell before she pushes Amy back on the bed so their bodies are flush against each other, their clothes wrinkling and crumpling against one another though they stay on. Hope’s never felt so hot before, it moves up and down her body in waves, increasing with each small sound Amy makes against her lips and she can’t really believe how into it she is, how deep in she already wants to be.

There’s a beep in the driveway. They’re early. Of course they’re early because why wouldn’t they be when Hope’s like this, when Hope’s happy. Hope pulls away from Amy’s lips before coming back, adding a peck that turns into something a little longer. “My step-moms home.” Amy kisses her neck lightly. “She’ll want to meet you. She thinks that’s what she’s supposed to do.” Amy nods. “My brothers too, they’ll be with her.”

Amy looks up at her, “I’d like to meet them.”

“Yeah?”

“Of course.”

“Ok, cool.” Hope lifts herself partly off of Amy to run a hand over Amy’s hair, flattening out the ones that stick up haphazardly. “You look really beautiful.” Hope’s surprised she even says it like it comes out of her without realising, but she means it, couldn’t keep herself from saying it.

They get up and make their way to the kitchen where her three brothers are chasing each other around the island. “Hey freaks, cut it out and meet my friend Amy.” They halt all at once and she regrets alerting them to their presence because they run all at once and begin attempting to climb on Hope’s various limbs. “Amy, meet the freaks.”

Jane joins them, beams at Amy as they talk back and forth about some PTA event that Amy’s parents led and Jane likes her almost too much and Hope doesn’t know what to do with the fact that Hope likes that. When Jane invites her for dinner she watches Amy agree then panic, looking to Hope like she overstepped some boundary before Hope nods and says that be great if she could stay, she means it.

She wishes her dad was there to meet her, to watch her joke with the freaks and offer a book suggestion to Jane because she’s sure they’d have something to talk about too. Mostly all she knows is that she’s comfortable, that she wants to do this again, that she can’t imagine not doing it again.

After dinner she walks Amy out who looks positively bashful and Hope knows she’s done for, that she’s all together far too into Amy. “I had a lot of fun,” Amy says it like it surprises even her.

“Me too. Maybe we should do it again sometime.”

“Maybe.”

“You have my number.”

“Yeah, I do.” Tentatively, Amy reaches up and presses her lips lightly to Hope’s, which Hope smiles into before Amy pulls away and opens her car door.

“Bye Amy.”

“Bye Hope.”

Hope doesn’t avoid the kitchen like she usually does when walking back into the house. Jane smiles at her and says, “I like her.”

“Me too.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Sexy.” Amy moves around her to grab the door handle to go back inside, but she freezes when Hope puts her hands on top of her own. “Seriously, though, are you good, do you need anything? Water? I’ve got water.” Hope removes her hand to pull a bottle out of her bag, offering it up to Amy.

So she made out with Hope, like for real made out, in Hope’s room, on Hope’s bed and then Hope introduced her to her family and Hope watched her across the table at dinner with a half-grin on her face and Amy  _ likes  _ her. It feels like it happened to someone else, some other part of her, like her brain can’t fully compute that Hope murmured into her ear, nibbled on her lip, kissed up her neck. And Hope didn’t text her at all this weekend, well once theoretically, Amy texted her thanks for having me over! And she got a weird hand signal emoji in return, which she sent a heart back to, maybe too much, because she got nothing in return, yet she thinks about the kissing all weekend, constantly, she can’t even take Molly up on her offer to study together because she’s sure Molly will figure out that there’s something up with her. It’s all she can do to cross her legs in homeroom at the thought of it. “Earth to Amy,” Molly is rapping loudly on Amy’s desk, “You’re quizzing me on vocab remember?” Amy nods slowly then returns to the color-coded index cards on her desk and begins to robotically go through them. Then Hope walks in and she’s wearing that stupid jacket with the brown fringe and her dirty converse tied up weirdly. She doesn’t catch Amy’s eye, she just picks up a stack of index cards from Amy’s desk and brings them with her towards the back of the classroom. “Excuse me! Excuse me, Hope. If you wanted to study for the vocabulary quiz you could have made your own index cards.”

 

Hope nods incredulously, “You’re so so right Molly, I’m so sorry, it’s just I was having too much fun last night and well, your cards are just so beautiful.” Molly turns to her at this point with her mouth half-open in this look that Amy knows means can you believe we still have to deal with these people who are deeply beneath us. Hope clears her throat while lifting up a card, “Molly, do you want me to enumerate on the ways that I had fun instead of spending hours writing cards of words you already studied 1,000 times for the SATs?” And Amy dies, is Hope going to tell Molly, does Hope think Molly knows? It makes sense that she would think that, but Hope must see the panic on Amy’s face, and she simply taps the person in front of her and shoves the cards into their hands to pass up to Molly. “Wouldn’t want you writing sexy fanfiction about me anyway.”

 

Tanner adds in, “We got a few good chapters going back here already Molly if you want to add any! Hope fanfic is my fav!”

 

Thank goodness Miss Fine chooses this moment to bring the class to order because Amy thinks she’s quite close to a stroke or a heart attack, or both all at once. By the end of class, her heart has calmed only a little and she tells Molly over her shoulder that she’s going to get some air before next period and she’ll see her there. Molly is happy to return to her index cards and doesn’t ask another question and Amy rushes to the closest door to gulp in the crisp morning air. Unfortunately, it means she doesn’t hear the door close behind her. “You ok nerd?” Of course, it’s Hope, standing against the door, not even looking at Amy, but tapping something out on her phone.

 

“Yeah, I just, stomach ache.”

 

“Sexy.” Amy moves around her to grab the door handle to go back inside, but she freezes when Hope puts her hands on top of her own. “Seriously, though, are you good, do you need anything? Water? I’ve got water.” Hope removes her hand to pull a bottle out of her bag, offering it up to Amy.

 

“Thank you Hope, but, really I’m fine, I just got a little overwhelmed.” Hope raises an eyebrow at this. “Molly doesn’t know.”

 

“Molly doesn’t know what?”

 

“I didn’t tell her about us.”

 

“What about us?” Amy panics and Hope clearly sees it in her face. “Hey, hey, I’m just kidding. The making out and me wanting to touch your boobs us.” Well, that’s new. Hope didn’t touch her boobs on Friday, and, well, of course, she had thought about Hope touching her boobs and her touching Hope’s boobs, but to hear it articulated from the lips of Hope herself, that’s certainly something altogether new. “Amy, you can’t lose all sense of listening skills when I mention boobs, that’s not gonna work.” Amy reddens and Hope’s face changes, softens is the only way Amy can think to describe it, and Hope lifts her hand up and pushes a strand of hair lightly behind Amy’s ear, which, Amy will choose to describe when she replays the moment a thousand times in her head as affectionately. “So, you’re not telling Molly that we hooked up in my bedroom? Did you tell her about the time you mauled me a few weeks ago?” Amy shakes her head back and forth. “Ok, and you’re not going to tell her?”

 

“I just know how Molly will react. She’ll ruin it.”

 

“Good to know.”

 

“I just, I don’t even know what’s happening here and I don’t need her opinions affecting everything before I know what’s going on.” 

 

“What do you want to be happening here?” Just then the bell rings noting that they’re late to class. Amy makes what could only be described as an audible squeak, which Hope mortifyingly laughs out loud at. “Until next time nerd.” Hope opens the door with a flourish for Amy to walk through, which Amy hurriedly does while saying a quiet goodbye. 

 

It’s not until later when she’s on her top bunk, Molly at the desk, going through math problems, that she really realizes what Hope had been asking her and the look of curiosity, of maybe even a little bit of bashfulness on her face when she asked Amy about what she wants to be happening between them. She lifts up her phone quietly to Hope’s text messages. The annoying heart unresponded to looking back at her almost gets her to put the phone right back down, but then pushes the errant strand of hair behind her ear and can feel the ghost of Hope doing that again and she pursues forward heart and all. 

 

_ What do you want to happen between us? _

 

It’s simple enough Amy thinks, mostly a repeat of Hope’s own question. She puts the phone down before being surprised at how fast the reply from Hope comes in.

 

**_i asked you first…_ **

 

_ You didn’t reply to my text. _

 

**_the heart?_ **

__

_ Yes _

__

**_oh so you dont like when people dont text you. interesting, noted_ **

__

_ You’re teasing me. _

__

**_yes_ **

****

**_do you like it?_ **

__

_ No. _

__

**_i could think of other ways you might like me teasing you_ **

__

_ What do you mean? _

__

**_amy… ur killin me._ **

 

**_what are you doing right now?_ **

__

_ Homework _

__

**_can i come over?_ **

__

_ Molly is here. _

__

**_ok…_ **

__

_ But I could say I don’t feel well. _

__

**_you did have that stomachache earlier_ **

__

_ I did, you’re absolutely right. _

 

“Molly?” 

 

Molly holds up one finger at her and continues furiously writing before turning to her. “Firstly, what you get for number three?” Amy jumps down from the bunk with her notebook, placing it next to Molly’s, which Molly quickly scans through. “Ugh, you’re so smart, so incredible, so talented Amy. A math queen!” Amy feels a bit guilty then, for saying that Molly would ruin the whole thing, maybe she should just tell her. Molly loves her and Amy loves Molly, completely, Molly, for all her quirks, is her favorite person and has always been. Then she’s feeling her phone burn in her pocket with the simple question of can Hope come to her house, and Amy can do this one thing, this one small lie, it’s certainly not as big as not telling Molly yet that she wants to go to Botswana. 

 

“Molly…”

 

“Yes, Queen of Math?”

 

“I’m not feeling so well still, remember earlier?”

 

“Of course, you do look pale, soup? Tea? Crackers?” Molly reaches up to Amy’s forehead. “I don’t think you have a fever, but you know this hand can be deceiving.”

 

“I think I just need to go to bed.”

 

“Are you sure? I know Doug and Charmaine are out until late at that church fundraiser and I’m happy to get you anything. I could even go to the store and pick up some Gatorade.”

 

“You’re the best, but seriously, I’m good, just need to close my eyes.”

 

“Ok babycakes, you know you can text me if you need anything?”

 

“Of course.”

 

“Love you, you majestic creature.”

 

“You’re a unicorn of love and devotion.”

 

“She speaks to me! A mere peasant in her court! Text me ok?”

 

“Always.”

 

“And forever.”

 

And with that, she watches Molly head home out the front window as she texts Hope how to get to her house. 

 

Only ten minutes later Hope is pulling up in front of her house. She watches Hope get out, then stop, grab something from her car, it’s mints, which she pops into her mouth before throwing them back into the passenger’s seat. Hope smoothes her jeans out, she’s not wearing the coat anymore, just her t-shirt and walks up to Amy’s, yes, Amy’s door. 

 

Amy greets her, asks her if she wants anything, which Hope actually giggles at, before shaking her head and saying no, she’s fine, ate a good snack at home before coming over. “Do you want to see my room?”

 

“Well, I did show you mine, Anstler.”

 

She didn’t realize what an intimate action it was Hope inviting her into her space last week, letting her look around, look at the pieces of Hope that are the most personal. In her room, Hope is shaking her head with a small smile at Molly’s drawer, her bed, her desk, and then stopping in front of the pictures of Amy growing up, so many of them including Molly that Amy gets that pang of guilt again. Then Hope sits down on her bottom bunk, her hands splayed behind her. “I like your room. It wasn’t what I thought.”

 

“What did you think?” Amy leans tensely against her desk as Hope watches her, keeps her gaze.

 

“I thought it would be more organized, less lived in. I like that I was wrong though.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because I like being wrong about you, it’s only led me to good things.” 

 

Hope gets up then and moves toward Amy. Amy knows she’s talking too fast. “What kind of good things?”

 

“This kind.” Hope doesn’t kiss her yet, puts her hands on either side of Amy on the desk, the desk that Amy was comparing math problems with Molly only thirty minutes ago on. Instead, Hope seems to be tracing the shape of Amy’s face with her lips without touching, so that Amy can just feel a tickle on her skin. And Amy’s, you know, done stuff, with herself, but it’s never put this sort of feeling in her stomach before like there’s a loop in her belly button being pulled forward. Hope stops, suddenly, too suddenly, and Amy, involuntarily, lets out a light whine before reddening more than she thinks she might ever have in her entire life. Hope laughs, fully, deeply while Amy pushes her head away, hides her eyes, which quiets Hope, who brings both her hands up to straighten Amy’s face so she almost has to look at her. “Don’t be embarrassed.”

 

“It’s just that I’ve never really done this before.”

 

“We made out last week.”

 

“I know, but, I don’t know, this feels different.”

 

“It’s the feelings.”

 

“What?”

 

“You are deeply, deeply, into me, so the feelings.”

 

“Shut up.” Amy pulls her face away again.

 

“Hey, hey, Amy, it’s ok. I’m sort of into you too.” Amy looks up at her at that. “Don’t look at me like that’s the biggest surprise in the world. I’ve been into you for a while.”

 

“That’s not funny.”

 

“It’s not meant to be.”

 

“You’re mean to me.”

 

“Well, I like to protect myself. You like Ryan.”

 

“I don’t like Ryan.”

 

“A bit too fast on the uptick for that one to be convincing.”

 

“Ok, I did, I liked Ryan before.”

 

“Before what?”

 

“Before you.”

 

“Amy,” Hope says it quietly, with a tone that Amy will describe later as maybe reverently. “I want to kiss you now. Please.” Amy nods. “I haven’t stopped thinking about this since Friday.” Then Hope kisses her, deeply, fully, her tongue quickly gaining entry into Amy’s mouth before she bites lightly at Amy’s bottom lip. They continue like this for minutes, Amy’s hands hanging dumbly at her sides. 

 

Hope pulls away with a light popping sound, breathless she asks, “Can we lay on the bed?” Again, all Amy can do is nod before Hope leads her to sit down before straddling her on either side. Amy feels pretty much like she’s going to burst. Now without her hands able to dig into the wood of her desk, maybe she’ll have splinters tomorrow, she grips at Hope’s sides awkwardly. In the midst of Hope continually kissing her, Amy’s hands slip under the soft material of Hope’s shirt to meet hot soft skin. While Hope kisses her neck, Amy’s left hand accidentally slips into the gap between Hope’s jeans and her skin at the base of her back so she just ghosts over the feeling of Hope’s underwear. The thoughts it puts into Amy’s head shoot straight into her toes and mixed with the consistent pressure of Hope nipping at her throat she lets out a light moan of Hope’s name. Hope pulls away at this to look at Amy and Amy can’t believe how much she misses the contact, how her body follows Hope’s as it pulls away. A bit raggedly, Hope asks as she plays with Amy’s hands fitted right under her shirt, “Can I take this off?” Amy nods because that’s all she thinks she can really do and Hope quickly discards her own shirt so she’s sitting on top of Amy with just a simple black bra on. Well, it looked simple until Amy realizes that, well, the bra, it is, and Amy can’t really believe it, see-through. She doesn’t know what comes over her, it’s like a different person is controlling her and she moves one of her hands up Hope’s stomach to lightly trace the outline of Hope’s nipple. The reaction she gets is the thing that probably sets her over the edge, Hope’s head rolling back and then Hope surging forward so they’re laying down on the bed with Amy’s thumb hovering over Hope’s bra. 

 

“I didn’t think it would be like this,” Amy whispers just loud enough for Hope to hear and look up from Amy’s hovering hand to her lips then her eyes.

 

Hope brushes some hair out of Amy’s eyes, “Like what?”

 

“I don’t feel like I can control myself, like, I want…” It feels like she shouldn’t say more, she wants Hope to stay, stay with her.

 

“What do you want, Amy?”

 

“Everything.” She traces Hope’s collarbones with her index fingers, back and forth, back and forth, Hope’s eyes close and she bites her lip and Amy wanted to go to the Louvre, to walk around and see the unmatched beauty, but she thinks she might not need to anymore after this moment. She’s so toast. “I don’t think, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m ready to have sex.”

 

Hope’s eyes shoot open. “Amy…”

 

“I just know you’ve had sex before, you know, with your boyfriends, I’ve heard about it at school, but I haven’t.”

 

“Amy… just because I’ve had sex before doesn’t mean I have to have sex right now. Not that I don’t want to, or my mind hasn’t thought about it, but I like doing this, I like being with you, and I won’t pressure you. I’m ready when you are.”

 

“What if it’s not for a while?”

 

“Then it’s not for a while.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Really.”

 

“Do you want to keep doing this for a while then?” Amy asks softly.

 

“What are you trying to ask me, Amy?”

 

“I like it when you say my name.”

 

“Amy… you’re avoiding the question. I like it when you do it, but only to a point.”

 

“I like you and I want to keep hanging out. Do you?”

 

“Yes, Amy, I want to keep hanging out with you too.”

 

“Ok.”

 

“Ok.” Hope kisses her again, lightly, her hand moving slowly back and forth Amy’s cheekbone. “Good, I’m glad we got that sorted.” Hope looks at her watch. “I have to go, swim practice for the freaks and I promised I’d watch.” She stands up off the bed and Amy thinks she could just watch Hope walk around like this in her room forever, slowly leaning down to grab her discarded shirt and pulling over her tan taut muscles. Amy gulps, she doesn’t want Hope to leave, maybe she won’t ever want her to. “Text me.” Hope leans down and kisses Amy again, similar to the one before, but ends this time with peppering kisses across her face until they’re both giggling. “Be safe out there, nerd.”

 

“Bye Hope.”

 

“Bye Amy.” Just like that, she’s gone. 


End file.
